Because my laptop is being fixed, I have to take a break to update my space at work. Bad luck!
The 78th Oscar took place today. Almost every year I would watch it by all means. In my memory, when I was still in high school, under a heavy school workload, I still watched the rerun till midnight. As time goes by, I realize watching Oscar to me not just because of the results but more because of the participation. I feel so much that I am part of the audience. The show sometimes transported me back to my imaginary American family, sitting in front of the TV set, enjoying the pleasure of being a couch potato. 
Every year the Oscar Emcee would begin with a long speech. There are usually lots of jokes and jibes in that long speech. You may be in stitiches if you get the idea of the humors; or you may pull a long face during that part. I was like the latter one when I was just an English beginner. I had no clue what people were laughing about. The latest memory was I even cried during that opening part, simply because I didn’t quite understand the jokes. And I felt ashamed of myself.
I guess I am a person who does mind others’ accounts. My Yankee friend comforted me that it was reasonable that I didn’t get the jokes because I wasn’t born in the American culture. But I felt even worse after he said that. I said to him, "I had learned English for years. If I couldn’t understand these jokes, that’s a proof of failure." I was quite self-abased, in fact. Perhaps even today, I am still the same.
When my friend’s American friend who I haven’t met in person talked to me on the phone, he said to me that my spoken English was very good, however, he could tell I am Chinese. I do mind what he said though. 
When a renowed American journalist friend said to me that he could certainly tell my writing was written by someone whose English is her second language, I received his honest comment but I was a bit unwilling to accept it, not because I am reluctant to improve but I feel down that I haven’t reach my perfection dream.
Perhaps it’s a wrong attitude when others praising me in a genuine way. But I’m always dreaming I can change the fact that I can comprehend and express a language which is not my mother tongue as good as a native speaker. I have been trying to prove that all through these years. But I guess I haven’t made the utmost effort. If only I could understand those jokes at David Letterman’s Show or on the Oscar; if only my spoken and written English could "blindfold" the English native speakers. I don’t know how but maybe with years practice I can prove that. I need language purification.:-)
My English is not perfect. It will never be. Perhaps my self-abasement will be diminished if the English native speakers no longer consider me as a Chinese through the conversation and my writing. (Chuckle) Sounds like a very naive dream that only teenage English beginner would have. Or maybe I should say to myself–Hey, your English is lame. Study hard!
I do feel terrible about the condition! My life is busted, isn’t it?

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