"I am afraid I won’t be there," she mumbled to herself.
"I am afraid I won’t be there," she talked in her sleep with tears.
"I am afraid I won’t be there," she burst out with an emotional cry, seeing the shattered plate on the ground.
The fear of "I am afraid I won’t be there" has haunted her these days. She has no idea how to withdraw herself not to think about it. She recalled the movie "Bodyguard" starring Kevin Costner, one of her favorite actors. In the flick, Frank (acted by Kevin) was a bodyguard hired by a pop diva acted by Whiney Houston. Frank is a sober guy who loves orange juice. In his opinion, juice calms him and helps him to be alert of the surroundings all the time. However, he has his own phobia, that is he is afraid he will be absent from the scene where he is supposed to be. The phobia resulted from his delinquency in a mission of protecting the president from being shot.
Now the similiar fear has come to her. She just got a notice from her landlord that she is asked to move out from her little flat shortly. She’s stranded in decision about where to go. She will be away for her one-week vacation. But now, the sudden notice pressures her. She doesn’t know whether there will be unexpected matters happen while she’s away. She’s afraid she will not be there solving the problem.
She is worried about her health and her parents. Moreover, she is afraid she won’t be there when her folks need her the most. She is darn scared that she’s not there to help which may change the consequence.
Her communication with the new boss is also on her plate of worries. She believes time will help her to get over the worry. She’s afraid nobody in her group will be as responsible as her if she’s not there at her post. Her group members will totally forget her if she’s no longer working at the auto magazine.
What’s worse, she’s afraid she’s not around when her very best friend passes away. She has a very best friend who is even closer than her folks. She tells everything and anything to this loyal friend. It’s much like whispering into the hole on the tree with all her little secrets and unhappiness.
She is in panic, thinking her life will be over too early to enjoy the world, worrying people she think are worthy of trusting will lie to her. That night, she looked at the mirror, talking to herself on the mirror side, "What will the world become if I am not here? What will happen to the people who know me if I pass away?" Actually, she’s not afraid of death but she’s afraid she’s not around where many unfinished things are waiting for her to accomplish.
Is she a fatalist? Yes, she is.
She’s aware of everything happening around her now because of the phobia "I am afraid I won’t be there." for fear she will miss something. She recognize it is a mistake to tell her friend Max the telephone number of their mutual friend. She’s worried that she won’t be there when Max gets together with their mutual friend. She suspects in the picture it would be someone else with her friends, someone could likely to be the apple of Max’s eyes. She’s excluded.
Is she suspicious? Yes, she is. Is she in trouble? No, she is not.
Her life can’t be better than lving in awareness.
"I am afraid I won’t be there," she whispered to herself constantly which reminded her to cherish the good things and people around her.
(To be continued…)