From jigsaw puzzle to my life…

I was busy completing my jigsaw puzzles in the past couple of weeks. Yahoo!~~ I just finished the second puzzle with 1000 pieces, however, two pieces are missing… I wonder if human’s dream is like a jigsaw puzzle. It will be a beautiful picture if we make effort to look for the right pieces and combine them together. While we are searching for the piece, we are actually looking for a way out to get closer to our dream. Doing a jigsaw puzzle can be just a game to some people, a game to kill the time or a game to try his/her patience. Yet, to me it’s a game to alleviate my stress, a game to exercise my brain, and an inspirational game of life. There was a time that I was engrossed by such a focusing game–you need patience, above all, you need sharp observation and wise thinking. These are what it requires when we plan our life.
If two pieces are missing, the picture is no longer intact. But overall it’s still a masterpiece of my own. Why? I’ve spent hours on the puzzle and I sweat blood over it! Now I should feel proud of myself that I’ve accomplished the task. Apparently, life is more complicated than a jigsaw puzzle. Life is not a game but a live drama. We may try our luck to do a puzzle, probably we will be fortunate to find out the place to which the piece belong. Nevertheless, once we’ve made wrong decision in life, we cannot turn back. What will happen is quite a different episode from the one before the decision was made.
I haven’t visited my space for days–actually I had a thought about something unspeakable. I once wanted to give up writing. Having been in silence for days, I’ve realized I am such an invalid without writing. Life has become quieter and duller because of no communication. I am vexed at my failure. As a matter of fact, I am getting tired of my occupation. I feel my freedom to travel and to adventure is restrained. How many nights I slept with tears, and how many days I spontaneously fell into deep thinking about how to be no string attached again…too many to remember.
My ex-boss had quite an accurate impression of me: double personalities in two different language enviroments; aloof and quiet. I was surprised to hear about them from a third person at the beginning, as I said, I really don’t know myself too well until people around me comment on me. The more I am afraid I will make mistakes in Chinese, the less courage I have to chat with others. Now even in English I am not sure what I wanna convey. Sometimes when I am asked questions, the first response bounce on my head is YES or NO in English. I start realizing why one will become a mute if he gets into a habit to talk less. In my life puzzle, one corner is about improving my language capability. However, I see I am losing the ability instead of gaining any improvement.
We have short-term goals. But after we obtain that, we will think of another. I really don’t wanna work right now, okay, what if you got it, after you quit your job, what’s next? I wanna go back to school to hide myself in the ivory tower, okay, what if you got it, after you return to school, what’s next? Then probably I’ll say I am so worried that I will not be able to find a good job. Dear God, advice me!!!

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