Today is the last day of 2006. Sitting at my office, I wanna write something in this space which I have been neglected for weeks. I notice there is usually a news review about what happend in the past year on TV, in newspaper and even in the news column I write. I got a stack of newspaper, titled "News Flashback 2006" from Dad the other night after he finished his routine reading of Yangcheng Evening News. Last night and this morning I selectively watched the news review of 2006 on ATV and CCTV-8 respectively. Saddam’s capital punishment certainly has caught up with the last train, becoming one of the biggest worldwide headlines at the end of 2006. You’re the man, Saddam!
The Year of Dog is supposed to be my year. I can’t remember how I spent my 12-year-old. Well, I have to wait for another 12 years for the next Year of Dog. By then I will be 36 years old. Will I end up in the street with Beethoven or will I be living happily in my dreamland with my creative career? Who knows? However, this year doesn’t have a good ending. The shocking news about my mom’s health problem has never gone out of my mind ever since the day I knew it. I told dad, everyday I am living in horror. I don’t know what will happen the next day–perhaps I will lose mom or perhaps she will deteriorate overnight or she may live a longer life to see her daughter’s success and share her daughter’s happeness.
Ironically, I work very hard in the last couple of months, hoping I can squeeze sometime next year to prepare IELTS or TOEFL. Unfortunately, my plan of working in advance will lead me to another divergence–preparing for the worst regarding mom’s case. Anyway, my favorite travel column has completed to June issue (Jerusalem and Israel). As I have such a strong belief in God, I should visit Jerusalem or Vatican some day to thank Him for what He has given me in my life. In the July issue I will cover Hawaii and Saipan. Other than the Netherlands, the New England and some desolate corner in Down Under, Hawaii is one of my dreamlands, simply it shares the same Chinese character in its name as mine. Whenever I think of that, I will recall when I was a kid, how mom tried to tell the nurse to distinguish my name at the hospital registry window.
Sometimes I am puzzled, I may not understand how to love people. I thought to show my love to mom and dad is to complete all the chores in the kitchen, to make them happy by doing or saying things they appreciate. But in the end, can they feel my love? Have I demonstrated my love to them? I have helped friends to make life here easier, is this the right way to show love? I don’t know, maybe I will never find the answer because I don’t love myself.
I wonder if I was a "psycho" in my previous life. Silly thoughts are perfused in my mind every day. Life is moving too fast to pause and think, but in the end, even I have the chance, I will come to realize that I am living in struggle of shaping a unique character. At the end of 2005, I told myself I should keep a journal to write down all the whimseys or whims that often popped up on my mind, hoping someday they may become the inspirational source of a book. On the last day of 2006, I tell myself I haven’t done that. Life has beat me up thoroughly.
I dare not to think how tired I am and how much I am eager to take the fresh breath of air from a new lease of life. At the end of 2006, I only wanna tell myself: this is life–it doesn’t allow you to think but accept it for better or worse.
Happy New Year of 2007!!!
May God give me strength to fight in every upcoming battles in life, Amen!!!