Sometime during my bafflement after a bawl last night, I thought of a title for the book about my mom–Mama, I Love You.
Where should I begin with the story? How to write a sensational biography? A flashback? Or a sequential narration?
Don’t know since when whatever I think have become segments…
I walked into the shower in a sheer silence. As I turned on the tap, the icy cool water splashes out. How I wish the water could freeze my emotion. But I couldn’t hold it any longer. It went like an eruptive volcano. There are two streams of water coming down on me–the icy cold water from my head to toe and the salty warm tears rolling down from my face. Two streams joined together, I could not tell which is which. Where was pain? Where was sorrow? Where was the solution? Can my mom take me away with her? What was the last moment before death like?
Apparently, the icy cool water failed to wash away the trail of my tears. My eyes showed sadness after my shower. In fact, they could not control the water inside. Probably it’s right to say women are made from water. My tears kept running until I fell into sleep. I dreamt a lot of things but maybe my eyes were wet whenever I thought of mom. I can tell how sad dad was after he got the CAD scan result yesterday. He was sullen, more so than any other night. He is stronger than me. He cannot shed tears when mom is around. If he feels pain he only can bury them inside his heart. Still, a serious look on his face is shown.
I cannot do that. Luckily, I have a place to cry–not in front of mom and dad or at home. My parents only can see my positive attitude but not the emotional breakdown. I said to myself, from the day when Mom was diagnosed as having incurable malignant tumors on, I have considered every single day with mom is a gift from God. I am willing to do anything to earn one more day for mom. For me every day is more or less mom’s afterlife.
What should I do to ease mom’s pain, uplife dad’s faith and tranquilize myself from the lost of mom? May God direct me and bless mom for all the good she deserves. Amen!