Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock… It’s 9 o’clock sharp. I made it to punch my card in the last minute, dragging my leaden legs to the office.
I am known as the early bird in the office but today I am almost late for work. Early this morning, I got a feeling that why not just end my life in bed instead of going to work. Yes. I really wanna find out how does it feel to have the last breath on the earth. The idea of death has been pounding my head. Everything I can think of is so devastating, so obsolete and so indiffent. Thinking of living in a world where nobody loves me, cares about me or even listens to me, how sad it is. I’d rather die. In my childhood, I would cut myself or do something harmful to my body. But after I woke up from all these screwed-up, childish madness, I would laugh at myself. What a fool!
Today I got a couple of unfriendly emails from the same person. This time I didn’t laugh at myself but the sender did. He mocked at my stupidity. My heart was torn, tears were running like a fountain. Thank goodness! I now see how dark a human being’s heart can be. Sometimes if you are good to someone, it doesn’t mean that person must be good to you. But I am smart this time. I won’t do anything harmful to myself despite blow after blow of migraine headache knocking on my head; ceaseless tears and water running out of my nose; and the pictures of gory dead body, ghastful fingerprints and separate limbs emerges repeatly on my mind.
Jeepers, I don’t know what is wrong with me. It’s important to love myself. Yet, the little devil of death on my mind rules. I have lost the ability to conquer but give in. I am sure the email sender would be happy to know I am wounded all over now. Let’s make a toast! Go to hell, angelpeace! Bugger!