Soon late Sept. will arrive. I have been away from work for about six months. Over the past six months I have done lots of things but only made a little progress. I have renewed my passport. That’s nice. I hope my best friends will be able to travel abroad with me again. A couple of weeks ago I finally received my IELTS score. I was supposed to be joyful for the good result but I was not. I was so calm and I told myself, "Well done. You have realized your goal."
Maybe there are too much worries and I have become entirely insensitive to success and joy. I know there are lots of obstacles ahead waiting for me. Many times I keep asking myself whether what I am doing now is worthy. I remember my best friend once said to me that if I just give up now, I will regret for the rest of my life and I will always wonder why not give a try. So I think I just have to keep on doing regardless whatever result it will be.
When I am preparing the materials I am also wondering whether I am applying for the right program. I am getting to be disoriented. I don’t have much zest as I used to. At the moment, I want to get things over as soon as possible. It is like a non-stop nightmare to me. I am always afraid something might go wrong and I will be the victim or the loser. To the large extent, I am conquering my fear now.
I want so much to go back to the happy time I used to have–working and travelling, earning money and having fun with my friends. I feel like I have to sacrifice a lot for my dream and this dream is still not realized yet. Sometimes I will try to find the similarity between my tragedy last year and the situation now. It seems in both cases I am making a bet with myself. Last year I knew no matter how hard I try to look after my mom, she would eventually leave us. Her illness was not as simple as a fever or a cold that once she took pills she would recover. In her case, she would not get better but just deceivingly feel better. This year, my bet is to spend a year trying again for my future. I don’t know what the result will be but if it goes wrong, I have to admit this is my fate.
Tonight my dad was playing the guessing game with me again during dinner time. I understood his worry. Like every parent of my peers, he is worried about my love affair and my Mr. Right matters. Although he didn’t talk about the problem directly, I could tell what he was driving at. At the Mid-Autumn Festival dinner, my younger cousin brought his girlfriend to the family gathering. I bet my dad was a bit anxious and wondered, when will my daughter bring her boyfriend to have dinner with me? Gosh! So much pressure.
Perhaps I am really a person lacking of confidence as my best friends said. Guys may not interested in such a self-abased person like me. I try my best to enjoy every day I have without worrying about too much but it seems even though I don’t trouble trouble; the trouble will come to trouble me. I have a paranoid recently that I will have a similar ending like my mom. And I feel like my days are numbered. Will I be happy if I am dating and working? Or will I be happier if I am now studying and living on my own? Who can tell me?