It’s been a while that I haven’t updated this space. It took me a while to change a new tune for the space. I am not sure if I am a persistant person but at least I didn’t give up when I wanted the very song. I got it! Check it out, Ave Maria (new mix version). In Chinese, I called this persistancy “执着”(zhizhuo) Do you think I am really this type of person?
I am in my lows I guess. That’s one of many reasons I do not want to come to this medication corner to vent. I am afraid my emotion will spoil this already gloomy space. Well, let’s see what I have done over the last month. I happened to visit Singapore for a week in late Jan. And I met my friend there and did some sightseeing. The whole upper-class developed society amazed me and sort of enticed me to work there. Since the new year of 2008 I have vowed to myself that I need to get some fresh air, change my pace and have a new lease of life. Look at me now!!! You wouldn’t believe that I am still a basket case of some sort, sitting here in my den and figuring out what the hell I am doing here. Oops, excuse for my language.
I mean to be positive of my life. I am supposed to be happy as I am accepted by a graduate school. But so what? I am still who I am–depressed, melancholic, sentimental, perplexed, anxious, emotional and even sometimes hysterical. Only God knows if these symptons are only for those who are suffered from creativity and the extreme of self-punishment. Not a single day that I do not confess to my guilt. I remember when I was at my mom’s bedside, watching her passing away, I said to God: let her soul rest peacefully without any pain. Now when life sucks, I can taste it how unrestful it can be. It is painful and pain kills my willingness to live on.
Something good about this space is I can use the first person in writing. I am sick and tired of concerning about the others. But in reality I have no choice and I have to. I have to care about you, he and she. I can talk about myself selfishly here. OK. Let me continue…Right after I came back from Singapore I was preparing myself for the Chinese New Year. I was kind of lax after my return from Singapore. I didn’t even upload any photos online. Something interesting to tell is that I visited Hong Kong Wetland Park on my return. Then ten days later the park was closed for a period of time in case of bird flu infection. Lucky me!
This Chinese New Year was not much an excitment. I always tell myself, the Chinese New Year is becoming indifferent year by year, especially since I could not celebrate it with my mother together in the same world. So the second Chinese New Year which my mom was absent was once again quiet and ephemeral. This year my dad and I stayed overnight at my cousin’s holiday house and I got a chance to be awoken by the noisy firecracker at 7 AM on the first day of Chinese New Year. Great! Can’t be more surprised than that! I squeezed some time to visit my mom’s sister and her husband, right, namely my aunt and uncle. They have grown older, older than I could remember. The resemblance of my aunt to my mom just made my day overcast. Then the next day which was the last day of the whole Chinese New Year holiday I visited my mom at the cemetery.
Perhaps I have spent too much time dwelling on the past. I am not sure that I am that kind of person though. In the first couple of weeks in Feb. I was so occupied with one of my favorite TV series “Monk” as well as the addictive HK TV series “The Gem of Life.” The latter show lasted for four months and ended with the 82th episode. Just imagine how long a life of 82 can be! Probably I was so into the character Monk or the book “Sherlock Holmes” that I am reading now, I even dreamt of myself being shot last night. What a relief if only I was shot to death! And now I still can remember that I prefer to be shot from the back as it was more of a surprise and less fearful than being shot in the front.
I want to peacefully enjoy a tearjerker–an opera, a concert, a movie or a fictional story. I need to give myself a reason to cry out happily. Let the music soothe my anxious mind. I assume when one lives to his/her darkest day, nothing really matters, doesn’t it? I have written so much and in the end, so what? Nobody really cares. I am not as socialble as I used to be. Perhaps age grows, temperament also changes. On Valentines Day I received a piece of good news that my best friend had registered to get married. Now she and her beloved can really live in a happily-ever-after kind of dream life. One day before my birthday I received a long-distance phone call from my long lost good friend who is now happily living in London with her husband. Several days later I replied to her email, one of the many points I wrote to her was “our conversation has stopped on the day when you left for the UK…We are no long what we used to be.” Yeah I am afraid to see that day when all my best pals all get married. In the world of singles, I will look at myself sardonically. What the hell I am doing here? It doesn’t really matter any more…